an exhibition of photos by dalih sembiring and poems by dina oktaviani

june 30-july 16 2011

at sangam house
jl. pandega siwi 14
yogyakarta

get poetic postcards!

“homage to hometowns” | photos by dalih sembiring

english | growing up is finding an identity, a process influenced by what others think and how they behave. i grew up in four different places: binjai in north sumatra, dili in timor-leste, canberra in australia, and in yogyakarta. this was both good and bad. good, because i got to learn how the different cultures shape the minds of the people, and subsequently be able to be respectful toward each and any. bad, personally, because the repeated adjusting to each environment has made me doubt if i belong anywehere. but then there were the things that needed little learning: the various manifestations of intimacy. based in yogyakarta and having returned to dili and binjai early this year, i have managed to capture with my camera the universal stories of intimacy. as the photos will tell, genuine intimacy needs no learning, it is simply felt — be it in the little gestures of the objects, or in the corners that evoke that multi-faceted miracle. wherever you hail from, it is in this domain we all can feel that we belong. bahasa indonesia | pendewasaan adalah mencari identitas, sebuah proses yang dipengaruhi oleh pemikiran orang lain dan bagaimana mereka bersikap. saya tumbuh di empat kota berbeda: binjai di sumatera utara, dili di timor-leste, canberra di australia, dan di yogyakarta. hal ini bisa baik bisa buruk. baik, karena saya bisa mempelajari bagaimana kebudayaan yang berbeda-beda membentuk kepribadian masyarakatnya, dan akhirnya mampu menghormati perbedaan. buruk secara personal, karena proses penyesuaian diri yang berulang-ulang membuat saya merasa tidak punya tempat yang dapat betul-betul disebut kampung halaman. tapi ada hal-hal yang tidak perlu dipelajari: keintiman dalam berbagai perwujudannya. tinggal di yogyakarta dan sempat kembali ke dili dan binjai awal tahun ini, saya berupaya menangkap lewat kamera kisah-kisah universal keintiman. seperti tampak dalam foto-foto yang dipamerkan, keintiman sejatinya tak perlu dipelajari, cukup dirasakan — bisa dari isyarat-isyarat kecil sikap objek-objeknya, atau pada sudut-sudut yang membangkitkan keajaiban itu. siapapun anda dan dari manapun anda berasal, inilah ranah yang bisa kita bagi bersama.

“untitled memory” | poems by dina oktaviani

english | going home is always fascinating, and intimidating at the same time. those acute roads — are you ready for ghosts at every bend? they are strangers, they are close to your heart. they fly free, they suffocate you. they’re rites of passage to yourself. i try to respond to dalih’s photos — this is quite an experiment i’ve wanted to do since my short story “photograph poet” in 2005. i am not a complete stranger though — i was with dalih on his trip to dili, almost with him to binjai, i often spend quality time with him or his family in yogya, and who knows if i’m always in his dreams. but still, i respond to the photos, to the souls they bear. if i can relate to this intimacy, i believe you can too. bahasa indonesia | kata “pulang” selalu mempesona dan menindas sekaligus. jalan-jalan yang akut itu — apakah kau siap dengan hantu-hantu di setiap tikungan? mereka asing, mereka dekat di hatimu. mereka terbang bebas, mereka membekapmu. mereka ritus menuju dirimu. saya mencoba membalas foto-foto dalih — sebuah percobaan yang saya ingin sekali lakukan sejak cerpen saya “penyair foto” di tahun 2005. saya memang bukan sepenuhnya orang asing — saya bersama dalih dalam perjalanannya kembali ke dili, hampir menyusulnya ke binjai, saya sering menghabiskan waktu dengannya atau keluarganya di yogya, dan siapa tahu saya selalu di dalam mimpi-mimpinya. tapi foto-foto dalihlah yang saya balas – jiwa-jiwa yang dilahirkannya. jika saya bisa menjadi bagian intimacy, saya percaya anda juga bisa.

how could it be that the wind has never kissed me
the way you have and it knows better;
that my heart has never seen me in pain the way you have
and it is more persistent

anguish, my love, is what this road of desire has to offer
i have been walking in your shoes but it doesn’t matter
no one can undo love and in some cases it doesn’t evolve
i have kept your hurtful shadow where it is safe

you see neither hatred nor distant changes what’s true
i have the most dangerous love of all time for you
if you do, you must love me brave through and through

yk, june 1, 2011

there was a space bigger than the sky in my heart
for him, forever became him, forever was him

i ran to catch him, i smelt his skin
knowing not when to stop or how

i took off all my clothes, i was naked before him
knowing not when he’d understand or give up

i made love to him, from skin to blood
i let him kiss my scars, he made me leave god

i was overjoyed with all the flowers and the strife
i used to smile and laugh until i cried

then i sat there in the garden, in the rain, raining
the wind changed for me, so i changed for it

he was blown away from my nerves
he was gone before we said good bye

the sand in the beach i want to forget
the letters at the door i have swept

nobody knows how much i loved him
nobody knows how i stopped–i can’t explain

yk, april 1 2011

kalau senja ikut turun
lampu jalan membuat pertunjukan hujan
tentang kehilangan — berpuntung-puntung

kadang aku ingin sekali berdoa
tapi khawatir didengar tetangga
kadang-kadang yang perih lebih sulit dinyatakan
yang indah lebih sulit dibenarkan

aku sering berharap kejatuhan hujan di belakangku
bangkit menjelma langkah-langkah penyelamat
: seorang saudari, seorang anak, atau seorang kekasih yang teguh
yang tak pernah bisa memahamiku, tapi tak pernah jera

kadang aku ingin bertahan lama-lama
tapi aku bukan lampu jalan yang tegak itu
yang bisa kaunyala-padamkan kapan senang

aku mawar di bawah hujan
cantik-tengadah sepanjang minggu
dan sebab aku mawar, minggu depan kau mesti menggantiku

yk, 16 sept 2010

i often wish for the rain to come
sitting in the garden – nervously touching it
like touching my parents’ feet

if twilight comes along
street lamps create a rain performance
about loss – stub after stub

sometimes i am so eager to pray
but afraid to be heard by the neighbors
sometimes what hurts is more difficult to state
what’s beautiful is more difficult to justify

i often wish for the rain drops behind me to rise
and turn into steps of a savior
: a sister, a child, or a heroic lover
who never gets to understand me, yet never gets tired trying

sometimes i wish to spend more time holding on
but i am not those standing street lamps
that you can turn on and off anytime you please

i am a rose in the rain
pretty and proud all week
but for i am a rose, you should replace me next week

this monsoon is yet to kill the fire inside me
but your absence fades the colour of my soul
and fades the blood of my words

i walk this dawn on my own
i’d like to smoke my heart out
what’s my defense when fictions no longer cure

your eyes – oh how i want to get there quickly
not that i know what they’re like or what they do
it’s just that this darkness violently leads me to you

5 may 2010

this face cannot remember
how your trembling hands feel
or the way your breath wanders about my skin

how something so subtle and invisible
could whip a strong mind
causing dissolve on what used to shine

how something so unknown and so inexplicable
has overpowered my irresolute solitude
that everywhere i go i see only you

everywhere i look i see only wounds

24 april 2010

love of my death
clanks upon the boat were my melody
i was to go home, i was to go home
for the anchor was breaking up with seabed

love of my death
grey tears upon white pillows
shy pain, shy pain under my prayer hid
for you were real, yet ungripable

love of my death
i’ve no more soul to give away
for i had loved to the end of it
you could not have me more dead than i already was

love of my death
sailed me then, sailed me away

2 april 2010

]]> http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/loose-anchor/feed 0 http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/the-happiness-case http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/the-happiness-case#comments Sun, 29 Nov 2009 18:12:11 +0000 Dina Oktaviani http://dinaoktaviani.com/?p=367 let me tell you something about happiness

that never shows itself on my windows

it keeps worrying about the weather far out there

i am a blooming flower in a pot in a living room

i shall share my beauty with anyone who comes in

but who’s coming in – whom to share this decaying red gown with

i am a happiness-hunter

too brave to die, too sad to survive

when all that the rain wants is to grow new flowers

and this pot is losing some water

inertia! inertia!

let me tell you something about happiness

that betrays me every time love is the case

]]> http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/the-happiness-case/feed 0 http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/cinema-that-nightbioskop-malam-itu http://dinaoktaviani.com/poems/cinema-that-nightbioskop-malam-itu#comments Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:14:17 +0000 Dina Oktaviani http://dinaoktaviani.com/?p=355 (english version)

i thought you had left me too long
on that road, where time was so greedy of colours
everything that i wore had gone black and white
you still had not come back

i thought i had to make a trip that time
and ban myself to listen to any songs
but where–all the ex-boyfriends had become so gray
every shop accused me: “sad customers shall not get discount”

to cinema perhaps, so that sentiment could feel luxurious
i wanted to say: i miss you
but then i thought it was too common, as love

night had its own way of telling everything
like the moon above the street lamps
like a bat’s flaps above the traffic
like there was something so traditional wherever the crowd lashes
–like our life and what’s inside

i thought i had stayed too long
i did not know where you were, i did not dare—whom to ask
the film had begun, the lights were faded
my body was shaking, either out of cold either out of loss
people were all mumbling: “they who come alone may sit in the front”

(versi bahasa indonesia)

aku merasa kau meninggalkanku terlalu lama
di jalan itu, di mana waktu begitu rakus akan warna
semua yang kukenakan telah menjadi hitam putih
kau tak kunjung kembali

aku merasa harus melancong itu waktu
dan melarang diriku mendengarkan lagu-lagu
tapi ke mana–mantan pacar sudah semuanya kelabu
semua toko menggugatku: ‘yang sedih tak boleh dapat potongan harga’

mungkin ke bioskop, supaya perasaan terasa mewah
aku ingin bilang: kangen
tapi lalu kupikir itu terlalu biasa, seperti cinta

malam punya cara yang lebih sengit untuk menjelaskan semuanya
seperti rembulan di atas lampu-lampu jalan
seperti kepak sayap kelelawar di atas lalu lintas
seperti ada yang begitu tradisional di mana pun keriuhan mendera
–seperti hidup kita dan dalamnya

aku merasa aku bertahan terlalu lama
aku tak tahu engkau di mana, aku tak berani—tanya siapa
film siap dimulai, lampu-lampu dimatikan
tubuhku gemetar, entah kedinginan entah kehilangan
orang-orang berbisik: ‘yang sendirian boleh duduk paling depan’

(english version)

1

what is it now that makes you tremble
night is just something that often passes by
what is it that you don’t know about pain;
spiteful lovers, friends that vanish in space

you’re the one who never finishes anything
because everything is torn apart in your head

what is it that makes you irresolute in the presence of the past
regret is a strong beast
with its claws walking under the skin
and makes you hurt

now, suffer the scratch
suffer the vague scratch in your blood
hatred for father and jealousy for mother
odd-feeling amongst your brothers and sisters
houses that burn the despair

the lamps have faded, love
let me end the night
by writing down these lines
and embark your corpse into dream.

2
how am i going to miss you after this
living amongst ghosts and hometown
there’s nothing i could leave behind:
the light you turn off
the sound of your belly in the morning

or my own despair
when i leave home secretly
and realize: there’s no one after me
but the breeze, beside the rain spots
that last in my head for quite sometime

i always wanted to get back from the junction
and to cry endlessly at ease
i want to hit you hard
because patience never explains anything

now that i might love another
would you love me again
love me amongst your awkwardness
and love me amongst the shadows
that you might not be able to bring to life anymore.

3
the faint death close to my neck
who really knows you
you’re always closed-eyes
the books inside your body, full of notes
i could never read

names, lies
i just don’t want to hurt anybody
not even myself, with your sadness, your fear
and my fear of sadness

i’ve quit praying
and i can’t possess you suddenly:
drizzle in the morning; your broken-heart
how your belongings will let you down

i count on the cooled-heart and the weather
i survive by sleeping and loving the vague
and i can’t lose you suddenly:
your slow love; the verses
that make me recollect every god.

4
how much can i take
from tanjungkarang drizzle
which building talks about myself
which road leads to the house of past

i can’t find my grave in every hallway
my mind becomes a ghost, can’t return anywhere

the air is my holy son
that i inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale
from the distance he’s now carrying his mother’s sins on his shoulders;
polluted by grief and bringing me back to life again
to be dying again

if only i were a son
if only i were just beloved

see, how much that has been taken away from me
i can’t even possess my own tears
that fall swiftly and get the whole city drowned.

5
i’m grieving for the dry station
and supposedly nobody cares
a piece of used ticket; full of my scrawls

once i loved you everyday
with a green body and a bruised mind
admiring the small crimes
: original love signs

but where do i go today where do i go
a bag of those same old suits and books—

in illness i have changed every label and title
so that everyone gets wary, so that you get suspicious of me
so no one would believe:
within my heart nothing’s changed

the last dusk enters the station
across the old church you appear
bringing the same yesterday longings
; holding my name aloft

your lips open
i rush to you without shame:
holding you i hold the air.

6
i heard your voice once
long before we met and never saw each other again
spaces have been frozen by the distance; my heart’s filled
with fake questions about the world

tonight the echo of the voice
paralyzes the bad thoughts about the fallen leaves;
making me lame and longing for home

where am i
apart from vanishing in unsuccessful fiction
about families; where are you?

how could someone understand the sadness
that he is not familiar with?

every man is a messiah for himself:
there’s no way out.

7
you wake me up early in the morning
with your real and definite hands—
no longer i have that habit

come under my blanket when the dawn’s breaking
and be my dream while i’m asleep
the worse the better: i’ll be living with no surprises

“mama is crazy now; better not to see again
and besides she’s beautiful and hurt – she’s perfect
i’m walking out: that’s a habit”

so i take a walk in a winter suit
looking for some flaws to note down
rain is just drizzle; i can only remember numbers
nobody’s named number

only the drizzle; i walk like a calendar
it is neither ex-lovers nor old friends:
the whole city has become remnants.

(versi bahasa indonesia)

1
apa yang membuatmu gemetar kini
malam hanya sesuatu yang kerap lewat
apa yang belum kauketahui tentang perihnya
kekasih yang dengki, teman yang pudar di angkasa

kaulah seseorang yang tak pernah menyelesaikan sesuatu
karena segala sesuatu terbelah di kepalamu

apa yang membuatmu ragu-ragu di hadapan masa lalu
penyesalan adalah binatang yang tangguh
dengan cakarnya berjalan tegap di bawah kulit
dan membuatmu terluka

sekarang, rasakan irisannya
rasakan irisannya yang samar pada darahmu
kebencian pada ayah dan kecemburuan pada ibu
rasa asing di antara saudara-saudaramu
rumah-rumah yang menyalakan keputusasaan

lampu-lampu telah padam, kekasihku
biarkan aku menyelesaikan malam
dengan menuliskan baris-baris ini
dan mengalirkan mayatmu ke dalam mimpi.

2
bagaimana aku merindukanmu setelah ini
hidup di tengah hantu dan kampung halaman
tak ada yang aku sanggup tinggalkan:
lampu yang kamu padamkan
suara perutmu di pagi hari

atau kekecewaanku sendiri
ketika meninggalkan rumah diam-diam
dan tahu: tak ada yang mengejarku
selain angin, selain bercak-bercak hujan
yang bertahan cukup lama di kepalaku

aku selalu ingin kembali dari simpang jalan itu
dan menangis sepuas-puasnya
aku ingin memukuli tubuhmu keras-keras
sebab kesabaran tak pernah menerangkan apa-apa

kini ketika aku mungkin mencintai yang lain
akankah kamu mencintaiku lagi
mencintaiku di antara kecanggunganmu
dan mencintaiku di antara bayang-bayang
yang mungkin tak bisa kamu wujudkan lagi.

3
maut yang tipis di dekat leherku
siapa yang sungguh mengenalmu
kamu selalu terpejam
sejumlah buku di dalam tubuhmu, penuh catatan
tak pernah bisa kubaca

nama-nama, dusta-dusta
aku hanya tidak ingin menyakiti siapa pun
tidak juga diriku, dengan kesedihanmu, ketakutanmu
dan ketakutanku pada kesedihan

aku telah berhenti berdoa
dan aku tak bisa memilikimu tiba-tiba:
gerimis pagi; hatimu yang terluka
betapa yang kaumiliki akan melemahkanmu

aku mengandalkan cuaca dan hati yang didinginkan
aku bertahan dengan tidur dan mencintai yang kabur
dan aku tak bisa kehilanganmu tiba-tiba:
cintamu yang pelahan; ayat-ayat
yang membuatku mengenang semua tuhan.

4
berapa banyak yang bisa kuambil
dari gerimis tanjungkarang
bangunan mana yang berbicara tentang diriku
jalan mana menuju rumah masa lalu

aku tak menemukan kuburku di setiap gang
pikiranku menjadi hantu, tak bisa kembali ke mana-mana

udara adalah anakku yang kudus
yang kuhirup dan lepaskan, kuhirup dan lepaskan
ia kini memikul dosa-dosa ibunya dari kejauhan
tercemar oleh duka dan membuatku kembali hidup
kembali sekarat

seandainya aku seorang putra
seandainya aku hanya orang yang dicintai

lihatlah, betapa banyak yang diambil dari diriku
aku bahkan tak bisa memiliki airmataku sendiri
yang meluncur deras dan menenggelamkan seluruh kota

5
aku menangisi stasiun yang kering
dan seperti seharusnya tak seorang pun peduli
selembar karcis bekas; penuh kutulisi

aku pernah mencintaimu setiap hari
dengan tubuh hijau dan pikir yang memar
mengagumi kejahatan-kejahatan kecil
: tanda cinta yang orisinil

tapi hari ini mau ke mana aku mau ke mana
sekopor pakaian dan buku yang itu-itu juga―

dalam sakit aku telah mengganti semua merk dan judulnya
agar semua waspada, agar kamu curiga
agar tak seorang percaya:
dalam hatiku tak satu bisa berubah

senja kesekian memasuki stasiun
di seberang gereja lama kamu muncul
dengan rindu yang asing seperti kemarin
; mengacung namaku tinggi-tinggi

bibirmu terbuka
aku menghambur tanpa malu:
memelukmu aku memeluk udara.

6
aku mendengar suaramu sekali
jauh sebelum kita bertemu dan tak pernah bertemu lagi
ruang-ruang dibekukan oleh jarak; hatiku dipenuhi
pertanyaan-pertanyaan palsu tentang dunia

malam ini gema dari suara itu
melumpuhkan pikiran buruk tentang daun-daun gugur
membuatku pincang dan merindukan rumah

di manakah diriku
selain memudar dalam fiksi-fiksi yang gagal
tentang keluarga; di manakah kamu?

bagaimana seseorang dapat memahami kesedihan
yang tak dikenalnya; kehilangan yang sederhana?

setiap orang adalah messiah bagi dirinya sendiri:
tak ada jalan keluar.

7
kamu membangunkanku pagi-pagi
dengan tangan yang nyata dan pasti―
aku tak punya kebiasaan itu lagi

masuklah ke dalam selimutku menjelang fajar
dan jadilah mimpi ketika aku lelap
makin buruk makin baik: aku akan hidup tanpa kejutan

“mama sudah gila; lebih baik tak bertemu lagi
lagipula dia cantik dan terluka: dia sempurna
aku akan keluar: itu sebuah kebiasaan”

aku berjalan dengan pakaian lengkap musim dingin
mencari-cari cacat untuk kucatat
hujan hanya rintik-rintik, aku hanya ingat angka-angka
tak seorang pun bernama angka

hanya hujan rintik-rintik, aku berjalan seperti kalender
tak ada mantan pacar atau kawan lama:
seluruh kota telah menjadi barang bekas.