no, this is not my birthday. today i am mourning, i have been mourning. today i feel at a loss.

have you found the god that’s been hiding in your biggest fear? have i become your enemy? have i become your sinful pharaoh, little moses? if so, at least come and confront me. i who once grew up with you, how did i become a ghost? if your mind simply changed, where did the old mind go? 

i have so many questions – the answers sadden me because they’re not true. they can’t be true.

these photos were taken on my birthday in 2011, i am giving them to you to remind you that once upon a time one talented soul was there inside your body; one heart so fragile yet so full of love was pounding in that chest; one who did not believe but was able to feel the heaven and the earth and the things in between – who did not judge but took the hands of others.

happy birthday, my dear dear friend, wherever you might be. i hope this god is worth saying goodbye to your beautiful mind and your loving friends; i am just worried it is merely religion you’re so keenly worshipping.


–dina oktaviani



  1. Dina,

    I’m replying this on my Islamic birthday, which is 21 Rajab. I realize that I already sent you a message on Facebook saying that I’m hoping for God to break off any ties that I have with you (may He also spare me from any promises I made with and toward you). But I realize that it may not be that easy. I must at least make one more effort to stop you from writing your all heart out, so that you may reflect on what you still have left.

    I may not know you that well, but well enough to know that you have forced open so many doors that lead you farther and farther away from God. The One True God. The One that blessed you with the religion you were born in, so He could also test you with it. Perhaps you did stop for some time to notice how those doors had shut slowly behind you. But did you ever count have many there were. And do you have the keys to reopen them so you can tread your way back to the familiar yet thorny path? If not, I have only have one thing to say to you now: look for one.

    Consider this another whisper that has made your steps halt and look back to that last door that is quietly closing. Before the floor shifts.


  2. Where is the reply to the confrontation I gave you? I do not wish to be part of your world, and if I could ask (and I pray to Allah that this would not be judged as arrogance), I would ask for a place far, far away from you during the Resurrection, should you wish to remain on your current path. And if I could, I would delete all of those indecent photos (including the ones posted here) that I took of you. Time is ticking. We’ll all be on our own. Your call, while you can still make one.

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